slippppin

Oh no, I'm slipping back to my old self when I promised I wouldn't. But you know what? This time, I saw it coming, and I'm gonna stop it. :)

You're cute!

merry christmas

It is so good to be home! First of all, Merry Christmas. YAYYYY! Ahahaha, I really do feel blessed, and let's not forget the true meaning of Christmas- the birth of Jesus Christ our Savior. He died for our sins, so we should be abhle to live for him. :)

Bless you all!

VISION10

OH MY GOOODNESSS, Vision Conference '10 was so freaking awesome! The theme was, The Answer, and wow. At first I honestly didn't want to go, and I was putting all sorts of things before God. Especially money, I kept thinking i was wasting my precious money by going to this conference, but wow. I really don't regret it now. It was so...I seriously can't explain it in words. But let's just say, he's with me now, and I'll NEVER forget what I felt there. I could actually... feeel him there, and I swear this was my first time feeling his presence. Through all the praise, performances, testimonies, sermons, activities, and food, I feel thorougly replenished in the spiritual field, and I just feel so much of God with me right now. I suggest if you really want to meet God from the bottom of your heart, and you're willing to TRY, go to Vision Conference '11. It's gonna be something you'll NEVER regret.



The answer to everything is... Jesus.


And... I'm being 100% serious right now. If you have any questions at all, I'd like to be asked. :)

winter break

So much to update about! Well firstly and most importantly, it's finally winter break!! And now the updates: so I was supposed to go to church by 7am today so I could take that little test for 새래 받는거. And I even set my alarm and everything, but OMFG. My dumbass forgot to turn the alarm ON. So when I woke up it was freaking like 8 something and augh. And plus my phone's dc'ed so I couldn't even call or get in contact with my 목사님 and idk how I'm gonna explain my irresposibility to them o..o Scary thought. Gah idk why this is getting to me, I guess it's cus I've been avoiding it for like the past 3 years <_<; I'm so stupid -_-;

Vision in a few days, I'm so excitedddd. PACKINGGGG!! Seriously, who doesn't love packing... that's like the best part of a trip :D

And lastly...of course what would a blog be without guys? -_-; So... basically, I'm really confused. /: Sometimes I'm in that flirting mood yknow? (LOL, on a side note. It's interesting to know there's someone exactly like me.) But ANYWAYS.. when the guy starts talking about getting closer, I just.. FREAK. I mean I guess I'm just content with knowing that they like me, and I know that's reallllly messed up. But idk, that's just how I am for now. When the guy tells me all these things he'll do for me, and all the things he wants to do with me, oh my god. I swear, I start having a panic attack. DJKFHSKAFJAS.. hopefully someone will come along for me too. :) But seriously, I hate it when guys are so transparent ._. Like.. you know exactly what they're talking about?? Idk.. but yeah. BORINGGGG. I guess that's it, although it's only 3:05pm. OH OH OH. Omg I lost my phone again aughhh D: I left it on the bus cus I guess it fell outta my pocket.. and I was texting the person with my phone and wow -o- He was being such a motherfucking ASSHOLE. He was like, gimme 70 bucks. And all that shit, tryna negotiate. So then I told him okay I'll pay you, even though I wasn't gonna. But then he just stoppped texting me.. and I had to d/c it T_T FML. I swear I use half of all my money and my stupid phone.

1, 2, 1 2 3 4

There's only 1 thing, 2 do,
those 3 words, 4 you- I Love You.

This song is so damn cute!! Anyways. I wish I woke up the next day and my skin magically cleared up. -_-;

Boys are so confusing.

Home alone, yayyy :) I love being home alone :)

Fuck I need to correct my physics test but I'm way too lazy -_-

I wish I woke up the next day and my hair was magically longer&healthy

I wish it was summer already, so I could do my internship

I need money. Like. No joke.

I love being around you

Where'd you go, I miss you so, seems like it's been forever, since you been gone

Christmas is coming up

Hmmm my uncle gave me $60 today, yay

Unfortunately I have to pay $100 for Vision Conference so I have -$40

Where's all the cute guys kickin it at

Okayyy I'm finished now bye :)

Farmville

Facebook

3

2

1

BLASTOFF! BYE :)

a twisted world!

God, when will people realize what a twisted world we live in. *Sigh. I've realized (again) over the past few weeks, keeping a secret is.. REALLY HARD. If you'd known me a few years back, you'd know I had a cheap mouth. I'd tell anything to anyone, even if it wasn't related to them. But seriously, I've been trying to stop that. I really do want people to trust me. I've been doing good so far, although I do feel like I'm about to burst. I just hate it when people go, "Tell meee. Come on. I won't tell anyone." And then they guilt trip you if you don't tell.. it's like wtf? I'm trying my best here to keep this person's trust and you're telling me to just break that because "you don't care." LOL, that's not my problemmmm. But I'm happy that more and more people are learning to trust me, even if I fucked them over before. Because I swear and promise, I'm a new person now! I'll just say, it's hard being on the other side of the fence, heehee.

And another thing! It's so weird how me and this person have "switched sides." She used to be everything I'm not, and now it's the other way around. And I'm really liking it, because it's helping me meet new people and become closer with older ones. Although I'm not sure if it's a good way of going about things. I have all these people telling me to stop, but.. I don't know how to explain it, but all I can say is I'M IN CONTROL. And I know that everyoneeeeeeee says that, but really they're not, they're hooked. And probably you won't believe me because idk why the hell not, but I really am. I know what I'm doing to myself, and I know the consequences. I know, you've been there and done that. But you guys and girls have NOT been in my shoes. I think it's wrong to lecture someone about this and that when you don't know shit about what that person's going through. Okay, so I put on a happy facade. Oh Happy Marian, what kind of problems can SHE have? Lalalala rainbows and fucking unicorns! Does that mean I'm okay, just because you presume me to be? NO! Just because I don't show my true emotions doesn't mean you can judge me the way you do. If you were me, you would know what I meant. But you don't, so kindly back off unless you're willing to empathize and actually talk to me. :)

People these days, they don't know how to do anything without anything.

bad girl

HMMMMM. I need someone to teach me not to care about others' opinions. Of course there are times when you should care, you can't be so impassive. But sometimes you just need that 'fuck it' attitude, and go with your heart. But I can't seem to do that, I can't seem to let go of myself. I'm always worrying about what others might think of me; what will change if I do this, what will change if I do that. How will my bestfriends see me, will they see me differently? As a bad girl? An easy girl? What kind of new shit would people bring up about me behind my back? These are always the questions that hold me back from doing what I really want, from getting what I really want. Of course half of it is I'm not ready. It's like I know what to do and how they feel, but I can't put that into action. I'm bored easily. I get tired of things easily. And it's definitely not a good thing. I don't know if these traits will stay with me until I grow up, but I hope not. I hope I can learn to see the good in people, and to stop caring about what others think! It's my business after all. Oh God, please replace my immature, spur-of-the-moment, confused self with a more refined, mature, thinking kind of person.

F F B B B A

23/11, 13/01, 12, 10, 8, 10/04

Lalalala, hey 거기거기 Mister~
Anywayssss. 1 day + 1 week, and winter break is FINALLY HERE! I'm so excited. Also, I think I should go to school on the Friday before winter break. But omfg, everyone's ditchingggg. Or atleast all the people I have out with D: God help me to make the right decision -_-;

On the other handddd, hmm. x] Don't you hate it when you start liking someone after it's too late? GOD SO DAP DAP HAE.

woah woah woah

Calm down there. I do NOT feel that way about you! So back uppp, give me a little space, give yourself a little space, then back off. :)

I'd rather have bad times with you,
than good times with someone else.

I'd rather be beside you in a storm,
than safe and warm by myself.

I'd rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart.

Remember I'd always love you baby,
you are the one that hold my heart.


Tell me that's not sweet. 3;


Cus when the roof caved in and the truth came out...
I just didn't know what to do...

regret.. thinking.. time.

It's amazing how many times a heart can change its' mind in the course of a few hours. You can love them to no end, and the next minute, hate them. Then you want to be friends again. Then you love them again. Then you're right on that edge of going to the next level with them. Then they do something that makes you change your mind yet again. Then you start telling your friends how cool this person is, how you think this person is the one (again). Then when they ask you how it's going, you have to tell them the unfortunate news that you're, once again, turned off by them. Then, in a spur-of-the-moment thing, you confess. Maybe that's not even how you really feel about them, but that's how you feel at that exact moment. And you think, you don't wanna regret never telling them about your feelings, so you just get those feelings out there: I know this is kind of sudden, but... I think I like you. And if you don't feel the same way, it's totally cool, because I understand if you wanna be just friends with me. I just felt like I had to tell you, I like you. Except it's really not okay if they wanna be just friends, you just try to play it off. And if they do accept your confession, you immediately start regretting it. Shit! Why did I do that?! Now I have to take responsibility, shit shit shit. And that's basically how it goes on. Now you're the one that wants to stay friends, and so you lie lie lie. And they want you; they begin to be more open about their feelings, and all the while, you're feeling very uncomfortable. How the hell do you handle this kind of situation? If you tell them your true feelings once again, you'll obviously regret telling them, you'll obviously want them and miss them later on.

So my question is, why do we do these stupid things? Whichever road you take, why is there always regret? Of course we hear about those happy love stories, where A confesses to B, B accepts, and they're a happy couple. But for me, it's just never worked out that way. All the way up to The Confession and after, I think, regret, think, regret, regret, regret. Well I don't know, that's just how I am, I guess. Maybe this is my subconscious' way of telling me that, No Marian. You're not ready for a relationship, no matter how much you want one. You need to mature a little more, learn how to commit. Learn that love is sacrifice, and if you're not willing, then don't do it at all. All you'll end up doing is breaking that other person's heart. And that's when even the prospect of friendship vanishes. So until you know, 200%, that this person is the one you want, and you KNOW.. that without calling them yours you'll be a sad, sad person, don't do anything stupid. Don't envy others' relationships, when you know you can have one. Learn to take responsibility, learn some empathy. You don't know anything till you've walked a mile in the other person's shoes. Don't be greedy, and lastly, DON'T, but a spur-of-the-moment girl.

If it's meant to be...

FAIL!!

There's so many good things and bad things happening at the same time, I don't know how to explain my life these days! I guess they cancel out, but they're each their own thing, and it's amazinggg. The good part atleast; I'm getting so close with a lot of people, and I love it! I think when I grow up, "they" will be there for me (hopefully, LOL). Idkk, I guess I like meeting new people, and getting to know em :) The bad; I'm drifting away from the person that I used to talk to so often, and I misssss it. But since it's what he wants, and it's the best period of his life, I guess I'll just let him enjoy it, and wait for his companionship to come back. :) And I also feel like I'm doing the same thing over and over, with the same person. I DON'T WANNA USE YOU ANYMORE. So I'll just accept your conversations and words to me, and take them in as friends. And of course, reply as a friend, and nothing more. :) I guess I just want you to know that I'm not going through that again, since I know what kind of person you are. :]

IU's new album is SO GOOD. <3
이승환's too, omg I'm in love with BOTH. D:

flattery

Everyone loves flattery right? :)
Anyways, hmmm. Today was such a boring and normal day. I realize when I'm in the process of waking up, I hate it. I feel like I don't care about school, and I could just stay in my bed. But once I do get my ass up and ready and off to school, I'm suddenly surrounded by people that are so serious about their future. And working hard towards their goals by taking many AP's, and studying, and doing extracurricular activities. And I'm just in the middle of all that mess, doing my half assed classes, and faling my AP Calculus class. Which makes me not wanna go to school even MORE. I don't know if that made any sense, but if you're like me, you should understand.

ANYWAYS. I wish I was a better writer :'(

P.S. Dang, I forgot to update on the first day of December. (Yesterday.)