vanilla twilight

Addicted. Anyways,

Today was a disaster.
I slept at 2AM, and if I did that, I should have had the responsibility to wake up at 6. But nope, I woke up, went back to sleep for "5 minutes", and woke up at 12:30. Sigh, why do I do this? School isn't even so bad, it's actually pretty fun. But I don't know, it's like I can never accept the consequences for my actions, and of course, later I regret it. Gosh, I'm never ditching. (Seriously.)

And also, it seems I'm always having problems with relationships/boys! It's like, as soon as I find a guy that I show a little bit of interest in, another one pops up and confuses me. And then everything just ends badly. And then, repeat. And also... seriously I know I've said this millions of times but I feel like I have to say it again. WHY AM I SO SHALLOW? Like seriously, 60% of all guys are meet are so awesome and fun and whatever, but it's just like I can't accept the face. Like honestly, I'm not even that cute/pretty, but I have such high standards. I really wish I could be like those people that don't look at peoples' faces. Then I would be so much better off in life. WHY CAN'T I LOOK PAST THE EXTERIORRRR. Gosh, there was so many chances to be with someone that I liked, but that problem just kept popping up. And it's like, why do I care what others will think? It's my own relationships and problems and ideas, but what people think affect me so much. "If I went out with him, what would people say?" And you know.. stupid shit like that. Idk, it's like I refuse to give people chances... and IDK. I'm just utterfly confused right now >:O And I'm always thinking, bleck they're too good for me anyways. Or, augh, he'd probably be turned off after seeing me (LOL). I really need to... change on that aspect. Or atleast try -_-x Sighhhh. SIGHHHH. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. FML. And also, another problem is, okay let's say I have interest in someone. Then when they start showing interest in me... it's like, I start not liking them?? I don't know if that'll make sense to you, but seriously, big problem. -_-; I don't know if it's because I haven't found the one, that I can actually commit to, but anyways, that's been happening to me A LOT lately. I guess I'm all for the chase, boo for the winning. Which I wish I could also change, cus that hurts a lot of people, and it's really messed up too. Gosh I'm such a messed up person. Okay I'm gonna stop writing before this turns into a book.

Nvm, I wanna keep writing. I say "seriously" a lot huh? Well, I'm being serious, that's why (: LOL. Ehh, I guess I'll start another rant. I don't like it when people talk about you, in front of your face. Like.. it's like... it's obvious they're talking about you, but they're in denial that you'll know, and you just feel like shit. And ALSO OMG. I hate people who only talk to you when they need something. Seriously? Is it that hard to put a "Hi, how are you doing?" or something? That's just so rude. And yet, you say you hate it when people do that, HAHAHAHA. Funny. ANYWAYS OMFG.

There's temptation everywhere, SERIOUSLY. I try to be a good Christian, especially since I know He's watching us and knows what we're thinking every second. But it's so hard.. like I know people just say, "Don't do it. It's as easy as that." But it's really not... literally temptation knocking on your door -_-; And it's funny cus, I know I'm gonna do something stupid really soon, haha. You know that feeling, where you know it's wrong, but you do it anyways. Like procrastination, cmon. You can't think that's gonna get you anywhere. But you do it anyways, just for a little fun, and you're in hell later. Same shit, except it's not procrastination for me. There's just some serious doubt in me. I wanna be back at Vision10. It was so easy to be "good" there. Christian life is hard, really. /: But I guess I'll try.. but it's also so hard to stay "good" because, you know how they say God forgives all sins. And there's those people that lived like SHIT until like 24 or whatever, and then they miraculously found God. It's like, I kind of feel like it's unfair cus I haven't even begun having fun, and already I know God. So it's like, I can't even have any fun. And I know I shouldn't be looking at this as a burden, but it really seems like one...

Gosh I just need like time to myself. I wish I could live in the mountains for a week, ROFL.
And one other thing... I wonder if you miss me when I'm gone? :O I wonder if you wait for me subconsciously, just like I wait for you, even though I don't even know if I like you :O Does your heart skip a tiny tiny beat when you see my name also :D? Do you take my words seriously, like I takes yours?! Do you get all giddy and excited like me when you say something nice to me, even if you're just being nice to me D:? Anyways, yeah just some stupid thoughts running through my head. Many many problems, hopefully they'll be resolved, and hopefully I'LL CHANGE! I'm gonna stop saying 'like' and 'seriously'. Like, Fail, seriously.