marian, you're pathetic

SO FUCKING STRESSED OVER EVERYTHING.

*If you don't like people pouring their hearts out, don't read.
Don't want you hating me just cus of an entry, right?

1. I don't know why, but lately death has crossed my mind a lot. I don't mean suicide or anything. But I do mean my mom. I just can't imagine life without her. I feel like if she's not here with me anymore, everything will just remind me of her. EVERYTHING, from the way she cooks to the way she has little surprises for me everytime. For example, I'd come home tired from school, and I look on my desk and there's a cute little thing she found for a bargain. Maybe something like a little basket sort of thing for holding.... things. And seeing that will just make me smile, and it'll make anything bad go away. And you know, this makes me feel so bad because usually I treat her... well, badly o_o. And it's just a habit I guess. When she tells me to wash the dishes because she's tired, I'll automatically start yelling at her telling her I'M tired. But I've realized I never think of her, or her condition. I feel like my mom is spoiling me, and I don't want that. Because I know that the day she's no longer with me, I'll regret all the shit I did to her up the ass. And I do try to stop being such a bitch, but idk. Even at school, while I'm writing an essay or solving a math problem, my mom will cross my mind. Everything she's done for me, all the hardships she's been through, and I don't even acknowledge those. I hate seeing her disappointed face when my report card comes, because I know what she's thinking. "What's Marian become?" "What happened to the smart and hope-filled Marian from the past?" She doesn't yell at me, because she knows there's no use. But everytime I see her wrinkle her forehead in frustration, or secretly cry because of me, I feel like dying. Why am I like this? Why do I cause her so much trouble? Even when she goes through the trouble of saying good night to me every single night, and caring for me at home. Telling me to wear a jacket, or wear slippers. I take these as nagging at times, but now I see she just wants me to be safe, and she doesn't want me to be like her when I grow up. Sigh, hate my life.

2. Friends. WOW. I really don't understand people these days, why're they so fucked up? Elementary school was the only time when everyone knew each other. In elementary school, everyone played together. No matter what, you always had a friend to play with, or a friend to eat with. There was always someone there. But starting form even as early as 6th grade, we learned the words "betrayal" and "drugs" and "cool". Why? We'd be so much better off without these words. During middle school, groups already started forming, and I swear 6th grade was the most drama-filled year in my liiiife. There was this standard to cool, and not everyone met up with those. Now in highschool, friends don't care. You're absent one day? You missed out on lunch? No one cares. Is it just me? Do I just have the crappiest friends in the world? I wish IHEM could all just go to the same school. Through every shit, I know they'd be there with me. Why do bestfriends have to be seperated? Why does life make everything so hard? Why can't everyone take a second to CARE? I really want to go back to elementary, so much it hurts. Miss you guys. Miss our friendship. Miss the honesty.

3. Of course, boys. You know recently I found out that I'm cursed. And this is not gonna be a melodramatic paragrahp about "OMG MY BOYFRIEND BROKE UP WITH ME AND OMG I'M CRYING I STILL LOVE HIM I WANT HIM BACK OMG WHAT DO I DO! I HATE ALL GUYS! FUCK BOYS!!" No. but this is reall. Just as I've said, I am cursed. Every guy I seem to like has something wrong with them, or they fuck up. Most of the guys I like, don't like me. But for some WEIRD reason, after a WHILE they start to like me. But by then, I've moved on. And it goes on on until we just hate each other. Other guys are just such bitches. They say, "I've let go of my past, don't worry." so reassuringly, and I believe them. But what happens...1 week later? Was it less? He just steps on me, and he doesn't care. How can you just hurt someone like that, and pretend like it was nothing? If you LOVED her so much, why the hell did you even talk to me? Confess to me? These are the questions that run through my head. I guess not as much anymore, but when I have a spare moment, sometimes it'll pop back into my head. And as much as I hate his guts, I still reply when he talks. How pathetic, right? I know, no need to tell me again. Once again, my life sucks.

4. Last but not least, school. I guess this isn't really stressing, since I didn't do crap for the first semester. I just don't find the energy to study. Why study, when I'm going to community college? And BEFORE you start to judge me, which you probably already have, I'm not going there permanently. I'm just going there for 2 years, and transferring to a UC. Since it's much cheaper that way. But still, I've been doing so bad. I ALWAYS say, "Oh my gosh this is SO easy. I can do it later, it's due 2 days later anyways." And there I go, onto my computer. And I end up not doing it. And some people will at least pull an all-nighter, a sort of punishment for not doing it. But these days, I'm just like fuck it. And I really don't like copying peoples' work/people copying my work, so I just... don't do it. And of course it brings my grade down. Honestly, I'm also disappointed when my grades come. I also think, "What's happened to me?" Im middle school, getting one B just killed me. Now C's are good enough. I hope this second semester, I will have the determination to study. Basically this entry was for the past years, and all the shit that I had in my life that I couldn't tell anyone. Thanks (or not?) for reading. Bye.

Kinda late, but New Years Resolutions.
1. Try and be happy, for REAL.
2. Grades
3. Treat my mom bettttter!
4. Get some real friends, or transfer to El Camino ;D
5. Stop stressing over guys, they're not worth it.
6. Treat my mom better.
7. Eat healthier, NOT to lose weight, but just so I can be.. healthy
8. The thing on everyone's list: Stop procrastinating
9. Save up money, omgggg
10. Last but not least, treat my mom better.

P.S. That was seriously a shortened version of my problems
From now on though, I'll try to be more honest in my blogs
So that I don't have to keep all the shit inside of me
So from now on, don't expect the "tralala :D" shit from me
But of course, I'll have happy days too. Right?
I guess it's reassuring cus hardly anyone reads it.
This is going to end up as my diary, I SWEAR!